Freud may have said: “Psychoanalysis is, in essence, a cure through love”, but Tina Turner said: “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”. As a psychotherapist with over thirty-five years experience, I believe love is not enough. While I agree with Dr. Shubert who said: ” It’s the relationship itself that heals”, I believe that it’s not just any loving relationship that heals; otherwise hanging out with a loving friend or relative would be considered therapy. The relationship between therapist and patient is a professional one; that means it differs from a personal relationship in at least two basic ways: 1. limits to both emotional and physical contact 2. role function. Sadly, I have treated casualties of therapy relationships that were too close for comfort and the patients suffered for it. Too much love doesn’t heal. Second, it is my opinion that the most appropriate function of a therapist is to help patients to understand the emotions that underlie their decisions. This seemingly simple task is actually quite daunting. The therapeutic alliance, directed toward emotional awareness, affords the patient the opportunity to consciously decide what changes, if any, they want to make in their life. One more thing–As far as I know, there is no such thing as a gay or straight personality. We are all more alike than different in our basic human needs to be loved, to be accepted and to be understood. After all, isn’t that Harvey Fierstein’s message to us in his show, “Kinky Boots”? It seems to me that the establishment of treatment specialties, according to sexual orientation, misses the point.
An Open Letter To: “Clicking For A Therapist” NY Times 2/7/16
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About the Author: Robert S. Pepper, Phd.
Dr. Pepper has been running groups for over twenty-five years and specializes in group therapy. He has a special gift in helping member's resolve conflicts with.
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Kind of wonder what is “Too close for comfort.”
Dear Anonymous: I’m glad you asked. “Too Close for Comfort” means that the boundary is blurred between therapy and not therapy. It can take many different forms. For instance, in my book “Emotional Incest in Group Psychotherapy–A Conspiracy of Silence”, I write about “too close for comfort” as a result of the patient knowing too much about the therapist. Glenn Gabbard writes about “too close for comfort” when the patient/therapist relationship is physical.
Interesting post. I agree that love isn’t sufficient to heal another person. When I think about what heals my patients, I know that creating a loving/holding relationship allows my patients to feel safe enough to share all their thoughts and feelings. If therapy is done right, our patients unearth negative feelings toward their parents and significant others, and those feelings get directed at the therapist. When this happens, it’s my job to embrace and understand my patients’ reactions. Providing the understanding and correct emotional responses–the responses that our patients’ parents should have given to them–fills in the gaps and heals our patients. Certainly, this process is not part of the friendship “job” description.
Dear Dr. Love: Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Of course, I agree with you. I was referring to the cult-like psychoanalytic training institutes run by charismatic, authoritarian leaders. In these organizations, in the name of ‘love’, patient/therapists often act more like children than adults, doing menial tasks like running errands for the leader.