Sometimes in the very first session of couple therapy, the woman presents herself as overly emotional and the man appears calm, cool and collected. He will look at me, as she is ranting and raving, as if to say:” See what a crazy woman she is!”. I then ask him: “What have you done to push her buttons”.  This stops both of them in their tracks.

In my opinion, couple therapy is the most challenging modality for a clinician to master, even more so than group.  While groups are obviously larger, the leader has the advantage of knowing the members’ dynamics before they learn each others ways of messing up relationships.  In couple therapy, the dynamic is intact and entrenched, sometimes for many years, before the treatment begins.  The couple therapist’s task is daunting; he must immediately understand the dynamic and take control over the course of the interaction before the couple can act it out in front of him.  It’s akin to jumping onto a moving car and steering it to safety, no easy task.  Toward that goal, I insist from the start—No finger pointing allowed here.  You don’t need me for that. Each one must only talk about their own contribution to the couple conflict.