Chapter 49: “Are You Getting The Reaction That You’re Looking For?”
Many years ago, I looked around the group room while members listened in stunned silence as Tasos animatedly told the group of his weekend of debauchery. The group looked at him in shock. Tasos, a handsome, bright, gay man in his mid-thirties had just lost his boyfriend to AIDS. Tasos too was HIV+. The prior weekend, he had gone on a tear, drinking, drugging and engaging in anonymous, high-risk unprotected sex, with strangers at a backroom bar in Chelsea. He told us a dark joke: “You know what keeps straight men from being promiscuous?—Women. You know what keeps gay men from being promiscuous?—Nothing!” We were all appalled as Taso became more outrageous in the details of the drunken orgy. Out of dread, I used my own feelings of revulsion to bring Tasos out of his monologue and back into the room. I asked him: “Are you getting the reaction from the group that you were looking for?” He asked the group with a sickening grin: “Are you all shocked? Yes? Well, I feel so much pain. I’m unloved and I don’t care if I live or die”. He repeated: “I don’t care if I live or die”. Turning to Rosemary, I said: ”Are you alarmed at what we’re hearing!” Rosemary said: “I’m so frightened. Tasos is totally out of control. He’s not only putting himself at risk but other people’s lives too”. The others chimed in and expressed concern and anger toward Tasos for engaging in an old pattern of such self-destructive behavior. We all knew Tasos’ history of sexualizing dependency needs but this was way beyond that. In his agony, he was acting out the rage of loss and deep despair. Bill became infuriated when Tasos dismissed the group’s reaction with a flippant wave of his hand. He said: “Listen Buster, this is not just sexual acting out. This is attempted murder! You may not care if you live or die but your sex partners may. Do you tell him that you’re HIV+ before having sex?” Tasos said: “If they don’t ask, it’s their problem”. Lucy said: “You’re saying– ‘Fuck the world. I don’t care if I die and who dies along with me.” Jill said:” The others are right”. She turned to me and said:”Dr. Pepper. You must do something. Aren’t you required to report him?” I felt anxious and went around the room seeking the reaction of all the group members. Jessica had a different reaction. She said: “I feel compassion for Tasos. He’s in agony over the loss of his boyfriend. His wild sexual behavior is a cry for help.” Sanford said: “Well, if it’s a cry for help. Someone must stop him. That’s your job Dr. Pepper”. I asked Butch, a member who was very sensitive to feeling coerced:” Should I be feeling pressured by the group?” Butch said: “Yea. You should be and I agree with them. Are you going to report Tasos to the authorities?” There are times in the life of a group therapist when analysis and talk don’t cut it any longer. Action must be taken. This was one of those time. I said to Tasos: “If you want to remain in this group, you must immediately stop having unprotected sex with strangers. If you won’t abide by this directive, you will have to leave group until you are ready to comply”. When Kevin, Tasos’ closest group ally, said: ”I am furious with you for hurting yourself like this and rubbing it in our face. You may not care if you live or die but I do.” With that Tasos burst into tears and began to speak earnestly about the anguish and pain of his loss. He said: ”I feel so unloved. I just want attention and don’t care how I get it. I’ll comply with Dr. Pepper’s rule”.
Tasos stayed with the group until the summer break. He told us that he had stopped having unprotected sex; but Tasos didn’t return to group in September. When I called him, there was a recording that stated his phone had been disconnected, letters to him came back; ’return to sender’. We never heard from Tasos again.
