Some group members have been so damaged by childhood emotional neglect that no amount of TLC in the present can undo the past. It’s like water through a sieve; nothing accrues.
Although Henry is not Catholic, he claims that his life’s mantra is mea culpa. He reports feeling guilty all the time, about everything. In fact, he can’t remember a time when he didn’t feel guilty.
Needless to say, Henry is depressed and suffers from ahedonia. He cannot, or will not, allow himself to feel pleasure.
Henry has been merciless with himself whenever an objectionable thought or feeling comes to mind. He is tortured by guilt. The group feels frustrated with him because he is so closed off. Sarah told him that he reminded her of what she had read about Martin Luther and the medieval monks that would don shirts made of human hair to punish themselves when they had ‘bad’ thoughts. She half-jokingly asked him:” What is your shirt size? I want to give a hair shirt for Xmas”. Group members have attempted to nudge him out of his malaise but to no avail. He dismisses any group support and tenaciously holds on to his self-loathing. A group member, Murray, has said to him:” It’s as if you’re at a feast but refuse to eat”. I think this is an apt metaphor. His refusal to allow emotional feeding is his way of remaining attached to the toxic family of his childhood. It’s as if he can only be fed in small increments. I have thought of him as a small bird that takes sustenance through an eye-dropper. As a child growing up,his parents gave Henry a double-message: On the one hand he was told:” You’re brilliant and can do anything you want to in life” On the other hand, he was told that he was inadequate and incompetent. He was the laughing stock of his family. His mother would tease him and say:” You can’t break your way out of a paper bag”. He engenders contempt from others because he reminds them of their disowned ‘sad sack’ self, that Woody Allenesque schlemiel who wouldn’t join a club that would have him for a member. When this occurs in group, I step in and protect Henry. I tell the group:” The qualities in others that are most objectionable are the ones that we don’t like in ourselves”. To his credit, Henry is committed to the group, in his own ambivalent way. He almost always attends, but makes an entrance drawing attention to himself , by usually arriving late. There is a ray of hope for Henry. A new woman member, Adie, has shown a maternal feeling toward him. As a young, bright and attractive woman, she is a well respected group member. Henry respects her as well. Although he can’t seem to understand what she likes about him, her gentleness disarms him and he seems to be tentatively allowing her kind words to soften his very harsh self-image.
