We want our mommies. Sometimes, the need for immediate gratification takes precedence over good judgment, and motivates behavior that is infantile and even reckless, no matter how high a man’s station in life–think Monica Lewinsky. Although I don’t have a lot of empirical evidence to support this claim, according to the women, “of a certain age” , that I know personally and professionally, there seems to be something to it. Women seem to do better without men than vice versa. During a couple therapy session, for example ( and I know this is hard to believe), the wife said that the other night her husband walked into the bedroom and asked: “Where is the refrigerator?” Another woman told me that when she and her husband go out to dinner he asks her what he should eat. Of course, not all men are this passive but some wives have told me that they would leave their husband in a minute if they could afford to do it. I asked an unhappily married woman what qualities would she want in an ideal mate. Her response was flatly:” A woman with a dick”. When another woman’s husband pestered her for anal sex, she said: ” Only if I can do you first”. He said;” No way”. That ended the discussion. A 60-ish wife confided:” Viagra is the bane of middle-aged women!”
On a completely different note, divorced women often have had a difficult time understanding why their man lost interest in their children once the marriage ended. The answer is so obvious, they don’t to see it. To a large extent, a man’s relationship to children is mediated by his relationship to their mother. Unless a woman is seriously narcissistic, her relationship with her children, as conflicted as it might be, is for life, but not so with men. Men tend to be attached to the children of their woman ‘du jour’. When that relationship ends, so does his attachment to the children. A member of one of my therapy groups derisively refers to her philandering father as “The Sperminator”. Needless to say, her relationships with men are extremely conflicted. Of course, there are men that derive great pleasure from fatherhood, independently of their relationship to the children’s mother. I call these guys –” Heroes of Everyday Life”. I judge a man based on how devoted a father he is. I’m not impressed with his financial worth nor his career success. I real man, to me, is a good father and his children show it. A man may be the master of the universe and control a lot of people but he can’t control love. There are few experiences in life that are as rewarding as a child’s spontaneous, genuine words: “Daddy {or Grandpa}, I love you”.
