Families are groups and as such they follow the same principles of interpersonal dynamics as any other group. This is not as obvious as it may seem. Trying to understand the behavior of a family member without looking at the whole social system is like trying to understand football by just watching the quarterback. It’s impossible and makes no sense. When siblings hate each other, they are playing out a dynamic that includes everyone in the family, including the parents. The parental admonishment;” Why can’t you be more like your brother (sister)?” Is a sure-fire way to promote sibling rivalry that more often than not leads to sibling enmity. Who wants to be more like one’s sibling? A kid invariably has to resent his brother for that. But there’s more.
Sometimes,” why can’t you be more like your brother”, takes a dark and ominous turn. Years ago, while working as a psychotherapist in training at a NYC mental health clinic, I treated children and adolescents. One such case was that of a depressed and suicidal 16 year old teenage boy. Even as a neophyte therapist, I knew that adolescents are usually the identified patient in the family and that to understand the child, the whole picture must be examined. For the intake session, I wanted to see the entire family. I learned that he became depressed soon after his 16th birthday, when his parents gave him a shotgun as gift. When I asked the boy about the timing of the gift; he was surprisingly open about the events surrounding the birthday present. What emerged from that interview was horrifying. The boy’s older brother had committed suicide the year before. He had used the same shotgun to kill himself! The poor boys in this family were doomed. My new patient understood the parents’ unspoken message:” Kill yourself like your brother did”. It was no wonder he was depressed and suicidal. I never saw him again; the parents aborted the treatment before it could even begin. This was long before the age of mandatory reporting and I felt helpless to do anything. I learned a painful and yet valuable lesson about life. As a kid growing up, I thought my family was a crazy household; but as neurotic as my parents were, they were nothing like this. I always felt loved; but clearly not all parents love their children and some wish them, and do them, great harm. I also learned that children are really the true victims in life. They have no power to control their lives.
