The loss  of a parent, at any age, is agony . The loss of a parent for a child is a catastrophe.  Recently, a young woman patient in her twenties sought treatment for  depression after the breakup of her first  long term romance.  During out initial session, she told me that she had been living with depression long before this relationship ended. When  I asked her how long she had been depressed.  She said: ” Ever since I’m nine years old” . ” What happened at that time?” I asked.  She told me that her father died. She has been struggling with depression ever since. I asked her why hadn’t she sought treatment sooner. She couldn’t answer but the breakup of her relationship with her boyfriend opened a floodgate and memories, dreams and fears that alarmed her and interfered with her functioning so she wisely decided it was time to seek help. Over the course of several weeks, one of the  issues that emerged about her relationship was her chronic fear that her boyfriend would leave her. She lived in fear that her neediness would push him away.  When the relationship ended, she believed that were worst fear had come true.                                                               Her sessions with me were early morning.  She was my first patient of the day.  One morning, I was delayed and she waited several minutes for me to arrive but for her the several minutes felt like an eternity.  When our session began, she said that she was terrified that something bad had happened to me. “Like what?” I said.  She told me that she feared I had been killed in a car crash.  Then I asked her what may seem like an inappropriately provocative question: ” Was that a wish or a fear?”  She was aghast.  “How could I say such a thing?” she said. I asked if she were at all angry that I kept her waiting.  After an initial denial, she admitted that as the minutes past, her fear became mixed with anger. She worried that I had forgotten and abandoned her. Her feelings toward me were so conflicted like the mother who wants to both smack and hug her small child  when she catches him after  he has run  into the street narrowly avoiding injury. I told her that feeling attached to someone brings a myriad of conflicted feelings. Caring about someone makes us feel emotionally vulnerable.  We both seek the attachment and want to avoid it at the same time. It’s called ambivalence–strong conflicting feelings occurring together. I told her that to have someone is to lose someone. Death is the ultimate abandonment.  Her father left her much too soon.  My patient had to face the agony of this great loss well before she could reconcile all the emotions that it engenders. Any life event that has the potential to  echo fears of such a great loss, like being in  a love relationship, or even a seemingly tangential event like being kept waiting, can awaken strong conflicted feelings. To have someone is to lose someone. It’s part the human condition.
The other night, I had dinner with an old friend who told me that after many years of unhappy and emotionally abusive relationships, she has met her ‘prince’ at long last. I asked her what is the key to her new found success. She told me that she acts as if she doesn’t care, that way it would hurt so bad if he leaves her. I raised my hands in pretend shock and said:” No!. There is no safety in life. Throw yourself whole-heartedly into the relationship and give it your best effort.” Or as Mel Brooks famously said in the title song of his movie, “The 12 Chairs”–‘Hope for the best but expect the worst” .