As devastating as a loss of a parent can be, the fallout between siblings over the inheritance can be equally as shattering to the stability of family. “The Emotional Inheritance” refers to the family dynamic in which the in -fighting between siblings is rarely about just the estate. It is about the long simmering sibling rivalry that has never been resolved and that gets played out in probate court. Money, for example, is always symbolic. Siblings often use the inheritance as a way of exacting their revenge for hurts and emotional injuries from childhood. They want to be compensated for having felt neglected, or worse, in their families. Ironically, most siblings believe that the other sibling (s) had it easier. Most they think that they suffered the most, got the worst of the crazy family dynamic and that now it’s their chance to even the score. Families often assign labels to the children: the pretty one, the smart one, mommy’s favorite, daddy’s girl, “Cinderella” , the black sheep and so on. These roles can come back to haunt the family at the end of the parents’ lives. In my own practice, I have seen matters become inexorably worse, however, when a professional therapist, who should know better, inserts himself into the mix.
A patient of mine and her sister lost their mother. The mother had a cat and the siblings had been fighting over possession of it. While the sister didn’t want the cat for herself, she didn’t want her sister to have it either. A long running rivalry between siblings was being played out with the family pet used as a pawn; but what happened next was truly crazy. My patient informed me that her sister’s therapist that he wanted to take the pet! I was appalled when I heard this. It sounded so unprofessional that I actually laughed out loud and said: “Is the therapist running a clinical practice or an animal shelter!” The only legitimate function of a psychotherapist is to help patient’s understand the emotions that underlie their decisions. THAT’S IT! The therapist’s own mishegoss (craziness) has only served to add fuel to the fire. His interference worked toward exacerbating the animosity between the siblings. My patient’s sister now feels emboldened, apparently thinking that she finally has attained the yearned for, unconditional support of a surrogate parent. In crossing the boundary between therapy and not therapy, it seems to me that the therapist has overstimulated his patient and has sparked fantasies that she truly is the favored child. I am worried about my patient’s sister. This can only lead to much suffering when reality kicks in and dashes this irrational belief.
