Chapter 147: The Addict in Group
We humans are dependent creatures. We are born dependent and need each other throughout our lives; but when our relationships don’t meet our three basic dependency needs—-: 1.To be loved 2. To be accepted 3. To be understood— we often turn to substances as emotionally inauthentic substitutes, addictions like drugs and alcohol (but any compulsive activity can be seen as an addiction). That’s why drug dealers never have to advertise. Their clientele actively seek them out. One of the tragedies of an addiction is that it’s isolating. The addict chooses dependency on a substance above dependency on people. I have never met an addict that wasn’t angry with the significant others in their lives, for both real and imagined reasons.
For example, Dave, a drug abusing group member, from age five grew up in an orphanage with his younger brother after his mother left them there, unable to care for them because of her own drug habit. At age 11, his grandparents adopted him and his brother. Shortly thereafter, Dave started using and selling drugs. One night in group, Dave boldly shared his delusional thought with us: “Cocaine is my friend. My girlfriend walked out on me, my family deserted me but coke is always there for me”. One group member, Sally whose brother died from an OD, was incredulous and sarcastically said: “Yeah, coke is your friend all right, until you’re strung out; then coke is the devil incarnate”. Dave shot back:” Yea right. And where are you to hold me at 3 in the morning when I’m frightened and alone?” I said to him: “If you say how you feel toward Sally right now, in that moment you’re not alone.” Dave said to Sally:” I hate your self-righteous attitude. Who the hell are you to judge me?” Jill reminded Dave: “I understand your love of cocaine. I smoke up when I’m lonely and afraid. ” I said to Jill: “When you light up, you extinguish a feeling.” I asked Dave and Jill: “Do you resent having to come to group to get your needs met when you’re not getting them met in your life?” Dave looked directly at Sally, the group member he was closest to and said:” You bet I do. And I have to pay for it too. Well, I can’t afford group anymore. I’m thinking of leaving.” Sally said: “I’m furious with you. You’re just like my brother was. All you think about is yourself!” I said to him: “When someone says they can’t afford group, it usually means that it’s not worth it to them. Are you saying that your mental health isn’t worth it?”. Dave nodded his head. I then asked him:” Tell us, how much do you spend on coke each week?” “He snarled:” Fuck you.That’s different”. Craig said: ”I’m so angry with you for choosing coke over us”. I said to Craig:” You’re having Dave’s feelings. He’s the one who’s angry with the world”. Dave said:” Fuck the world!” I told him: “Nothing in your life will change until you stop abusing drugs.”
