Chapter 61: I’m a Professional Voyeur
I get paid to be a yenta. As a group therapist, my job is to stick my nose in other people’s business– that includes their sex lives. Some of my colleagues don’t see it that way. They think that I’m too intrusive. Some of the members of my therapy groups would agree with them. That’s okay with me. If group members don’t want to talk about sex, I say to them: “Okay, then. Talk about why you don’t want to talk about it.” For some people, talking about sex is even more intimate than doing it. Group members have accused me of being too pushy. Maybe so, but I want the details, the blow by blow, if you will. I’ll ask: “Who does what to whom? How often? Who initiates?” If group members ask why the focus on sex, I explain: “Sex is like food, it’s one of the pleasures of life. It’s a way that couples feed each other. What people do or don’t do sexually, tells me about their personality. This helps me to understand them and eventually to help them.”
Practicing group therapy is very different than practicing individual therapy where the clinician can hide behind the couch, sitting in relative anonymity as a blank screen. In group therapy, astute, perceptive members see everything. There’s no use trying to hide anyway—it’s not possible. From my shoes and socks that I wear (‘your shoes need a shine but I like you socks with stars on them’) to my sometimes uncombed hair,(‘your hair is a mess’)– I am transparent. Some members can even read my unconscious. They know that I like hearing about sex, so why deny it? It has taken years for me to feel self-confident fleshing it out sex talk in group. It wasn’t always this way. As a neophyte group leader, I was often thrown off balance when group members balked at my interest in the sex lives. But with help from senior colleagues and experience, I’ve been able to work it through. Here’s a snippet from my personal history. During a group session long ago, when Polly complained that she had lost interest having sex with her husband, I asked: “Have you lost interest in sex with just him or with anyone?” She said: “No. Just with him. I love sex”. I brought the discussion into the room and not so innocently asked:” Do you have sexual feelings toward anyone here in group?” It was then that Polly read me the riot act. She was dismissive and protested:” That’s an inappropriate question. It’s none of your business. You’re just a dirty old man. A Voyeur. A Pervert”. I froze. It felt like I got caught with my psychological pants down, accused of having a prurient interest in her. It was as if I were a kid again listening into my parent’s bedroom. That caught me dead in my tracks until it occurred to me that she made me feel guilty. Hearing an old parental voice that I had done something wrong, paralyzed me for a moment. I had gotten distracted by my own history. The conversation was dropped and I managed to get through session intact. As soon as I could, I called my mentor, Dr. Lou Ormont, and asked for help. This advice was nothing short of brilliant. When I told him that she accused me of being a voyeur, or worse, he simply said: “Yeah. So what?” It was like an epiphany! I thought: ‘He’s right. So what? This is what do for a living.” The next time group members talked about sexual feelings toward people outside of group, I brought it back into the room again and asked the same question: :” What sexual feelings do members have toward each other?” When Polly objected again, I asked another question: : “What’s your objection to aural sex?” She replied incredulously: “What?” I said: “What’s your objection to talking about it?” Polly said: “No way, And you’re so crude for even asking such a question”. This time I turned to the group and asked: “:” Should I feel guilty?” Jeff said:” Yea. That’s what Polly wants you to feel”. I turned back to her and said: “So how does it feel to have a ‘dirty old man’ for a group leader?” She replied:” Not good. And if you continue with this, I’m leaving.” I asked the group: ”Should I feel controlled by Polly?” ”. Marty agreed with Polly:” Not only are you a voyeur but you’re a manipulator too and I don’t like being manipulated”. I kicked it up a notch and asked him:” Do you object when your girlfriend manipulates your cojones?” Marty smiled and said:” That’s different.”
