Chapter 205: “ I Think Your Values Stink”
Milton, a very rich real estate developer, was full of himself. He treated people, himself included, as objects. When he told the group he wanted help deciding what kind of car to buy– a Ferrari or a Lamborghini, I almost laughed out loud and thought: “Who’s he kidding?” Francine said: “Either one sounds pretty good to me”. When he asked me what I thought I said: “You can’t park either one of them on the street.” He seemed to like that. “Yea. You’re right. Maybe I’ll go with a Mercedes”. I skooched him a little and added: “Whichever one you choose, there’s no car like your first one”. Joe said: “I wish I had your problems.” I didn’t believe Joe really wanted Milton’s problems. Though wealthy well beyond all of our wildest dreams, Milton led a miserable, lonely, unloved and misogynistic life. Group members were out his league financially and we all knew it; but emotionally it was another story.. Milton had a bit of a cruel streak; and he enjoyed rubbing our collective noses in it. Like the time he insulted the group and bragged: “ I make more money than all of you put together”. That’s when I told him: : “ I think your values stink.”
After three divorces and numerous failed liaisons, Milton had come to treatment and said:” I’m tired of dating gold-diggers. I want a woman to love me for who I am”. But Milton didn’t get it. As savvy a businessman that he was, making great deals, he didn’t understand that the skills needed to be successful in relationships were not the same set of skills needed in business. He sought out women as objects and rated them accordingly– on a scale of one to ten. He told, Muriel, one of the women in group: “I would have rated you as an 8 but since you have children, I down-graded you to a 4. I would never date a woman who had children by another man.” Had she been emotional stronger Muriel would have let him have it; instead she cried. However, the other women rose to her defense. They called him every name in the book: ‘pig’, ‘user’,’ scoundrel’, ‘rat’. I had to step in and protect him. “This is abusive. What are your feelings toward Milton?” To a woman they said:” We hate him. He’s a despicable man!” But Milton was at a loss. “What did I say that was so bad? I spoke the truth.” I said: “It may be your truth, not everyone else’s.” But poor Milton, he didn’t understand that water seeks its own level; and the women he chose treated him like an object too. In that way, he was a lost soul.
I don’t have to like someone in order to treat them but I do have to make a partial identification with them. It was his lost soul quality that fascinated me about him. I saw Milton as a challenge, a tough nut to crack. And I enjoyed the pissing contest– matching wits and parrying with him. He enjoyed it too. It was the only way he could allow himself to have any sort of emotional contact with a man. When he called me ‘an asshole’, I countered: “I learned it from you” When he told me: “Shut up”, I said: “No, You shut up.” And when he boasted that he was smarter than I was, I said: “I wish I were as smart as you”. That’s when Nathan said to him: “That’s Dr. Pepper’s way of telling of you that he thinks you’re an idiot”. Milton said to me: “What’s your problem?” I said:” You’re my problem. There’s a wall around you 10 feet thick. What are you so afraid of?” Milton couldn’t or wouldn’t answer me.
