Here’s another Chapter from my new book.  Let me know what you think of it.

Chapter 24 : Group Can Help With That

When a prospective new patient presents relationship problems at the screening interview, I say: “Group can help with that”.   This statement is more than a marketing ploy.  I genuinely believe it’s true. Here’s a case in point.

Alex was referred to group by his individual therapist who was frustrated with Alex’s inability to maximize his potential.  Though bright, sensitive and articulate, Alex was going nowhere in both his professional and personal life.  At the screening interview, Alex presented a history of depression dating all the way back to childhood. As a kid, his parents mocked his sensitive side, made fun of his emotional nature and told him mean and degrading things about himself  like:” You can’t break your way out of paper bag”.                                                                                                                                                 In group Alex , would just as soon fade into the woodwork.  At 6’3 and 250 lbs, though, that was an unlikely event.  For many months, he would sit quietly and when he spoke it was to respond with empathy to the others; Alex was always ready to respond appropriately with feeling when addressed and his assessments were invariably right on;.  but Alex rarely started with anything about himself.  When he did initiate, it was often self-deprecatory. He would say such things like: ”I’m such a loser”.                                                                                            Alex was particularly shy with the women in group.  He would speak to them if they approached him but he would never initiate contact.  It was clear that he wanted contact but  was always   afraid of being rejected, found wanting. But the women never rejected him.  They felt safe with Alex’s gentle giant ways. Georgia said: ”You would make a wonderful boyfriend”.  He blushed and said: “Thank you”.  I said: “Thank you is what you say to a waiter when he hands you a menu. What is your feeling toward Georgia?”  He said: “I don’t know” I said:” I don’t know means I don’t want to know, or I don’t  want to tell you.  What would you say if you did know?” He said: ”I feel shy”. I said: ”That’s a self-feeling”. I turned to Josie, a woman who shared Alex’s shyness with the opposite sex and asked: “Do you know what Alex is feeling toward Georgia?”  He’s probably feeling self-conscious, embarrassed. Alex feels insecure”.  Alex said: “I feel so understood.  That’s exactly it”.                                                                                                                  I have gently encouraged him to respond to the women more directly. Although Alex was light years from talking about sexual feelings, I know he had them.  I wanted him to begin to acknowledge his awareness of the feminine appeal that he desired from afar.  “Doesn’t Marcy look nice tonight?” I asked him.  Or, “What do think Helen is feeling when she smiles at you like that?”  Alex would feel protective of the women and say to me:” You’re embarrassing her. Leave her alone”.  I turned to Fred and said: ”What feeling does Alex want me to have right now?”  Fred said:” He wants you to feel guilty for drawing the women’s attention to him”.                                                                                                                One week, Suzy presented a problem she was having with her individual therapist.  Alex was very supportive of  Suzy confronting the therapist. The next week, Suzy began the session by telling Alex that she thought of him all week and took him with her to her individual therapy session.  Once again, Alex said; ”Thank you”. I turned to Alf and said: ”What is ‘thank you’?”  Alf said: “It’s what you say to waiter”.  Everyone, including Alex laughed. I asked Betty: “What is Alex feeling now?”  She said:” He’s thrilled that Suzy took him with her”.  Alex nervously smiled and said: “ You made my day”   I said to Alex: “It is so important for you to feel effective with a woman, to know that your words have had a positive impact.  That has always been missing in your life”.   A tiny tear emerged from the corner of his eye.  “What are you feeling?”  “Emotional” was all he said.  I said: ”You’re feeling emotional because a long buried need has just been met”.