When group members feel guilty talking about an absentee, I half-jokingly say:” The best time to talk about someone is behind their back”. This encourages the resumption of the conversation. My goal is for the group to share their feelings about the missing person but more often than not, the group also enjoys gossiping. If the discussion deteriorates into character assassination and naming calling, I stop it immediately, as I do when such things occur in vivo. Name calling and character assassination are abusive and have no place therapy, under any circumstances. When the absent member returns, I’ll wait to see if a group member is brave enough to let them know what we said about them. If, after waiting awhile and no one says anything, I’ll turn to the returning absentee and say: “Were your ears burning during group time last week?” That usually gets the ball rolling, and if it doesn’t, I want to know why not.
Jose is habitually 10-20 minutes late to his men’s group. None of the members call him on it when he walks into the room. It’s not that he’s invisible. Jose is 6’3″ and weighs over 300 lbs. With shaved head, an earring and a tattoo shelve, he is impossible to miss. I have not mentioned his lateness. Since his lateness isn’t a treatment destructive resistance, I’m willing to wait for the group to say something. At a recent group meeting, when Jose hadn’t yet arrived 30 minutes late, Sam asked me: “Is Jose coming to group tonight?” My reply was a bit sarcastic. I said: “Am I my patient’s keeper?” The other’s laughed. Sam got it and rephrased his question: ” Did Jose call to say he wasn’t coming?” I said: “I don’t know. I haven’t had a chance to check my messages”. Members were alarmed. They asked if I would check. In fact, he had called right before group started to say he was sick. Once the group knew he was all right, the group joked about his habitual lateness. I asked: “What’s so funny and why do you guys give him a pass to come late?” Gary said:” He’s late because of parking”. Peter said:” Sometimes there’s traffic”. Bert said: “Last week it rained”. I said:” He’s been consistently late for 5 years! This group has a non-aggression pact with each other: Don’t call me on my shit and I won’t call you on yours”. The group got defensive. “Why don’t you say something to him then?” Fred asked me. “Good question” I said, “why do you I think I don’t?” At the next meeting, when Jose showed 20 minutes late, I said:” You’re early!” He gave me a puzzled look and I continued: “Yeah for next week’s group!” Finally, then the group’s discussion of Jose’s lateness began in earnest.
