Rose could have freed herself at any time from an unhappy marriage but she chose to stay. She had many reasons why she couldn’t leave, she said; but underlying them all was a feeling of guilt. It wasn’t so much that she felt guilty about leaving him as it was her sense of a lack of entitlement to have a happy life. Rose felt an obligation to live the same life as her mother, who suffered through an empty and lonely marriage. Her mother’s unspoken message to her throughout her childhood was ” How dare you have more than I”. Rose’s mother hated her own life. She was jealous of Rose who was freer to have more. Growing up, Rose couldn’t see this dynamic in their relationship. She accepted her mother’s view of her as ‘a spoiled brat’ and colluded with her mother against herself; and so her mother’s unspoken message became Rose’s life mantra. At the same time, Rose loved her mother and the thought of emotionally separating from her filled Rose with dread. It seemed to me that she suffered from a form of survivor’s guilt.
In group therapy, members had a very different view of her relationship with her mother. Members believed that Rose’s mother had instilled in her a sense of martyrdom; there was a twisted camaraderie the two of them shared in living an unfulfilling lives. When Rose’s mother accused her of being selfish for considering ending her marriage, group members saw Rose differently, as overly self-sacrificing. One member, Lisa, told Rose that she was warm, loving woman, and in fact she was ‘too good’. Another member, Marvin, told Rose that she deserved better than an emotionally disconnected and physically remote husband. He said that her husband and her mother shared the same punitive view of her. Marvin said that if he were her husband, he would never withhold sex from her as a way of punishment for having a mind of her own. Rose’s husband was threatened by her attempts at emotional independence and would attempt to control her by starving her need for emotional and physical closeness. Sandy said: “Rose, you are bound by paper shackles. You are free to leave him if you chose to”. I believe Sandy is right. If Rose were emotionally healthier, she would leave him. For a long time, Rose didn’t believe the group’s perception of her but slowly through emotionally corrective experiences in group, Rose’s self view has softened a bit. She now thinks that perhaps the group may be right after all. By beginning to accept the group’s view of her, Rose has taken the first step forward emotional freedom. Although, she may not ready be to make a major life change, she has seriously begun to think about it.
