One of the most self-esteem damaging dynamics in couples occurs when one partner allows the other to undermine her perception of reality.  This is  pernicious and crazy-making but complicity is always involved. Childhood patterns are hard to break; some patients’ default mode is to identify with the aggressor and take on more than their equal share of discord in the couple. One way that they do it, is by second guessing themselves.  For example, a patient told me that she had prepared dinner for her husband. When he showed an hour late, not  even  calling to let her know,  she was furious with him.      He was defensive and accused her  of over-reacting and she complied; she immediately questioned her own anger and thought that he was right. I wondered, with her, why she was so ready to back off her legitimate feeling.  She told me that growing up, she was never allowed to be angry, even if it were clearly justified.