I was alarmed to read about Esther Perel’s ( NY Times Sunday Review July 5, 2015 “Let’s Talk About Your Sex”) decision to hold ” occasional individual sessions in which, by request, she will keep secrets from the other partner in couples work”. She rationalizes her guilt: ” because we agree on this in advance.. The goal is for both partners to be honest with the therapist, if not (yet) with each other”…… .I am never in an ethical breach”. Maybe not. But what about a clinical breach? To whom does she owe her loyalty? The couple? One of the partners?
Is getting the facts, in the name of honestly, in couple therapy worth the risk? Does Ms. Perel fancy herself to be a lawyer, deposing clients? For a couple therapist, honesty of feelings toward each other is the goal. It seems to me that her judgment is off. Secrets are always incestuous and Ms. Perel could be playing with fire. For instance, here’s a worst case scenario: what if one partner secretly shares with her that ( s) he is HIV+ after having had promiscuous, unprotected, high risk sex? What is Ms. Perel to do with that information? Keeping a secret under these circumstances may not only be unethical, but if the partner’s life is in danger, it may even be illegal.
