I’m a character; I know it and I’ll be the  first one to admit it.  Some might even say that I’m a hypocrite.  As an expert on boundaries, I now find myself in the middle of a boundary -less mess with two patients. Here’s another confession:  I’d have it no other way. It’s exciting for me to throw myself into spots like this one and see how they can be resolved—how will I find a therapeutic solution?  In the past, I have learned more about psychopathology and how to treat it, by this method, than if I hadn’t “headed toward the cannon fire”, to quote a poet.  Philip Slater was spot on when he said that human motivation is always based on ambivalence, conflicting emotions and behavior. I’m a prime example.       Here’s the story.

Some years ago, when she found out that she was pregnant, “Lolita” (all identifying information has been changed to protect confidentiality) came to couples counseling with her boyfriend, “Don Juan”.  After a night of drunken revelry, “Lolita” woke up ‘dripping’, as she said.  In their stupor, they had unprotected sex.  In a panic, she told “Don Juan” that she needed the morning after pill.  Reassuringly, he advised that they just wait and see.  But when she skipped her period and the pregnancy test comes back positive, it was his turn to panic and he told her to have an abortion. It’s at this point that they sought counseling.  She wanted to keep the baby.  They want help deciding what to do. Obviously, I could not make such a life changing decision for them. My focus was helping them address  whose needs came first in this relationship and which emotions would determine their decision. Don Juan threatened to leave if she didn’t have the abortion, intimidated Lolita agreed, fearing abandonment and feeling threatened. Lolita, so emotionally attached to him acquiesced, and had the abortion but her resentment toward him for feeling forced to do so sank their relationship. When someone complies they also defy. Afterwards,  Lolita immediately regretted the decision.  She blamed Don Juan for it.  The relationship fell apart soon thereafter and they broke up. Don Juan stayed in treatment with me, in group therapy, and Lolita left.

Now several years have passed;  Don Juan has married and he and “the Mrs.” have been unsuccessfully trying for a baby.  Recently, Lolita called me for a consultation but warned that I might not want to treat her.   I was intrigued and asked her to come in and so that we can talk about it. ”.  I was immediately hooked.  My yenta side had to know what she was talking about.  When she came for our meeting, obviously, the first question, after the initial pleasantries, was what did she mean that I might not want to treat her? Then she dropped a bombshell, she and Don Juan were having an affair, without ‘a glove’ no less. My jaw went slack; you could have picked me up with a feather. When I calmed down, I asked her if the two of them were nuts.  I’m not the morality police; I wasn’t interested passing judgment.  My concern was what would happen if she got pregnant.  She assured me that would not happen.  I was incredulous.  “Didn’t he knock you up before?” I asked. She said that it wouldn’t happen again.  “Why not?” I said. “Don’t you know how you got pregnant the first time? Who did you think you are, Mary Magdalen?”  I quoted Dr. Ruth who said: “If you’re not using protection, you’re trying”.  Lolita just didn’t get it. I told her that the two of them were playing emotional Russian Roulette with the lives of several people, not just the two of them.   My thoughts ran wild. The couple was in total denial, living in a fantasy land where behavior has no consequences. Unconsciously, she wanted  another chance to have his baby  and unconsciously he wanted to knock her up again, perhaps he had a need to reassure himself that he was still  a ‘man’, a need that his wife was denying him, intentionally or not.  Don Juan had not talked about any of this in group. Not his dissatisfaction with his marriage or his frustration with their inability to conceive.  He only speaks about how unfair life is; he’s not angry with his wife it’s not her fault, he says, and gives the group weekly updates on her gynecological treatments.  However, he has been very judgmental of other group members who have openly and honestly talked about their extramarital relationships. Having come from a family where his father was a serial philanderer, Don Juan presented himself as a boy scout.  I thought;” no wonder he’s not talking about this in group’. As judgmental as he is of others, he is even more judgmental of himself.  I asked Lolita if I had her permission to let Don Juan know what I know.  She said;” How can you do that?  He told me that he was longer in group”.  I said nothing, just rolled my eyes. He’s lying to everyone, I thought. What an accomplished psychopath. In a way, it was impressive. What a politician he would make!  Then she said;” No way, don’t tell him anything”.  I said:” Does he know that you’ve come to see me?” “No” was her one word reply.  I thought: “Now what do I do now?”